Who is Shabnim?​

Shabnim’s small stature may be deceiving. She is a tough adventurer and even formed part of an expedition to Marion Island. She looks young, but at 42 she has seen a lot in life. She lectures at a local university and is well-respected in her field.

Shabnim's scar

By Anke Roos

Shabnim took one last sip of her hot coffee before standing up. Speaking about scars is never easy, because even a physical scar can reflect pain and emotion.

“I had a great childhood. I finished school at the appropriate age, my family went to church, and each of us have an intimate relationship with our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.”

“Wait, but aren’t you…?” Adrian interrupted.

“Indian?” Shabnim responded. “Yes.” Adrian sat back, but with a perplexed look on his face.

“It’s a common misperception that a country such as India doesn’t have a large Christian community. The fact is that roughly 2,4% of India’s large population describe themselves as Christians, which would be more than 27 million people. But I was born in South Africa, where people love stereotyping,” Shabnim explained, raising her eyebrows sardonically.

“I went to Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. There I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in journalism. But I always loved travelling,” she continued.

Shabnim told the group how she continued to study and focus on communication skills. She was fascinated by people, how they interact and how their facial expressions can disclose much more than the words they utter. For her, each trip she took was about more than just learning about the tourism features of her destination - it was an opportunity to study people and find out how they communicate. She had spent a year on Marion Island while doing her doctoral thesis. During the year on the island, she observed and documented how communication patterns change when people are confined in small areas for long periods.

“After that, I became a lecturer, and I have been teaching for almost 12 years now. I love my students and make sure that I try and promote a culture of tolerance and empathy every day. I often include religion in my lectures because I believe this encompasses much of the values that society needs,” she said, obviously totally unapologetic about such a potentially controversial approach.

“But there was one student who touched my heart like no-one else before or after managed to do.” Now she appeared wistful.

Shabnim proceeded to tell them about Sarah, a student who had approached her after class. At first, she did not take much note of the girl. Sarah was one of her top students, but she was very introverted and seldom interacted with her classmates or lecturers.

When the student sat down opposite her, she noticed that the girl smelled of smoke. It was the smell of second-hand cigarette smoke – as if someone close to her smoked very heavily - but she could also detect a hint of alcohol mixed in between. Shabnim always tried to be very observant, not only of facial expressions, but also of factors such as the way people dressed, how they walked and even how they smelled.

Something about this smell was off!

“Sarah then asked me to give her extra classes,” Shabnim said. “I noticed a bruise just in the girl’s hairline, almost invisible if one wasn’t looking carefully at the girl’s soft, delicate face and body.” A frown started to form on Shabnim’s face.

“I found it a bit odd that Sarah would need extra classes. She was a top student and did not need to do any catching up. When I asked her about it, she said that she might be going out of town for a week or two, and she was scared that she might fall behind.”

Shabnim explained that she noticed that Sarah was speaking in a very soft voice, barely audible to her and definitely not to any of the other students leaving the lecture hall. She realised that something was wrong and asked Sarah to come to her office later that afternoon.

“I realised that the girl’s behaviour was not normal. I would have known if she was smoking or drinking,” Shabnim told her fellow hikers. “But what I didn’t know, was why she smelled like that, and why she was planning on leaving town for a couple of weeks. And why she was bruised on her forehead.” The frown on her face was now full-blown.

Later that afternoon, Sarah arrived at her office. All the other students had left, and Sarah and Shabnim were the only two in the room. Shabnim gestured for Sarah to sit and asked her why she was going to be away for a few weeks. While the girl tried to provide an explanation, Shabnim could see Sarah was hiding a lot of emotion behind her calm exterior.

“Sarah told me that she was joining her family on a trip, but I could immediately see that she was lying. I interrupted her and said that I was not speaking to her as a lecturer, but as a friend. I could see that the girl was trying carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.”

Sarah did not take long to open up to Shabnim. She told her about her father and mother’s drinking problems, and that neither of them had a full-time job. Her mother worked part-time at a restaurant and Sarah had to take responsibility for her seven-year-old brother. One of her biggest challenges was to protect her young brother from her father, who could become very abusive when he was drunk. It was during one such session that Sarah intervened, but the blow meant for her young brother had hit her and knocked her out completely.

“She told me that she had planned on running away the next day, along with her brother. They needed to get away from such an abusive environment, but they also had no one to turn to. Somehow, I convinced her to stay, and I told her that she and her brother could come to my house anytime they felt it was necessary,” Shabnim explained, the frown lifting a little.

 “I made good progress with her. We managed to get an urgent court order, placing the boy temporarily in her custody. She continued studying, and I paid for her brother to go back to school. We even managed to get social services on our side…” She paused for a moment. “It wasn’t until a year later that she started to go under again.”

A sadness crept over Shabnim’s face as she explained to the group what happened next. “Sarah could not leave her parents. No matter what the outcome, she felt responsible for them. Guilt consumed her, and she overworked herself to care for them.”

In her final year at university, Sarah ended her life. “I don’t know how I could have been so blind!” Shabnim continued, her eyes growing misty. “I always tried to look for signs. It was not only my academic field of expertise, but it was also my passion. Somehow, I had missed all the signs.”

It turned out that Sarah was struggling badly to cope with all the responsibilities thrust upon the shoulders of such a young woman. “She put on a great act in front of me for those three years,” Shabnim explained.

“I console myself with the fact that we had had many long discussions during that period. We talked about life, its meaning, and the importance of faith. I believe she is with Christ, no matter how her life ended,” Shabnim remarked while wiping away a tear running down her cheek.

“But I realised that we must never be complacent. Some scars can heal, but some are very deep, and it takes careful observation to see them. I thought I was able to see the scars, but I missed how deep they ran and could do nothing to help with the healing.”

“And what about her brother?” Emma asked Shabnim.

“He graduated from high school last year, and I still love him like a son. I can’t have children, but I love and raised him as my own. The young man is currently traveling abroad on a gap-year exploration. He plans on going to university next year, the one where I work, where he wants to study engineering.”

Wiping her hands on her shirt, she sat down, as if her legs could no longer support her. The others looked around uncomfortably, no-one really sure how to react. The silence grew.